i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
