I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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