you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
