she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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