i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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