thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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