He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
