Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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