He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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