How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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