this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
