I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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