There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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