I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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