Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
