we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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