WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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