Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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