he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
