can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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