Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
