I wish my penis had an off switch
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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