3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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