She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
