How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
