I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
