i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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