I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
