I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
