also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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