Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
