His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
