my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
