those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
