I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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