You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
