my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
