Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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