I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
