dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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