just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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