i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
