I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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