i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
