youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
