I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
