it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
