New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You can't just leave with hair like that
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
