I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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