Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
