you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
