I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
