you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
