i just google imaged poop.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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