I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
