Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
