Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
