period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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